


all new fear, all new love

by magnusbbanes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: First Time, M/M, but they're versatile lbr, magnus is a caring boyfriend, magnus tops, this was supposed to be pwp but i got carried away with the feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 01:36:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6545161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusbbanes/pseuds/magnusbbanes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I… care about you, Alexander. More than I’ve cared about anyone in a very long time. I don’t want you to do things that you think you have to do. You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t expect anything from you either.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	all new fear, all new love

Magnus isn’t a fearless man by any means, although he’d never admit to that out loud. He is scared of getting attached, of caring, of anyone that makes him feel like he wouldn’t function properly without them by his side. Needless to say, with Alec now in his life, he is  _ terrified _ . Everything with him is tinted by fear; not the kind of fear that means that they shouldn’t be together, but the kind of fear that makes the mind go irrational with ideas of “perfection, or nothing at all”. It doesn’t make things any easier that Magnus is already obsessed with perfection. After all, what is the point of being immortal if seeking it isn’t one of his goals?

Alec has been progressively extending his stays at Magnus’ place, which pleases the latter more than he could have ever imagined. He never gets bored of Alec’s presence; if anything, he wants more of it, all the time. He’s made it abundantly clear, like that one evening he’d slowly emptied a drawer in the closet of his room -  _ their _ room, knowing full well that Alec was watching from the bed. He hadn’t said anything afterward, and had simply given him a smile before lying next to him and assuming the little spoon position. Magnus doesn’t want to scare Alec off, but his straightforwardness remains. He wants to make sure that Alec knows that Magnus’ home could be his as well. That screams “commitment”, the one thing he is determined to avoid, but with Alec, things feel different.

With Alec staying over for longer periods of time, they start to develop a sense of domesticity that Magnus hasn’t had in awhile, if ever. Alec is often up before him, having made coffee for himself and tea for Magnus, and when he leaves, he always kisses him goodbye, saying he isn’t sure he’ll be coming over that night. More often than not, however, he does. Magnus starts cooking again, not just making dinner appear out of thin air, and it makes him happy to see that he hasn’t lost his skills over the years. So, when Alec comes back, there often is a home cooked meal waiting on the table, and Magnus never misses an opportunity to point out that he’s made it himself. Alec’s smile brings him more satisfaction than anything he’s ever done or seen in his long life.

It has been this way for two months, perhaps three (Magnus doesn’t much care about what time it is, and he loses track of it even more when Alec is with him), and Magnus is content. He loves waking up next to Alec in the morning, and loves seeing him do the mundane things of life. He realizes that maybe he stares a little too much sometimes. He can’t help it, though. Alec is  _ goddamn beautiful _ . Magnus finds himself having to tear his gaze away from him more times than he can count. Such an extreme thought process happens mostly when Alec is doing something incredibly frustrating. When writing, he often puts the end of a pen in his slightly open mouth, and it always makes Magnus’ breath catch in his throat. Other times, less subtle things slowly drive Magnus crazy - like Alec coming out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist, drops of water falling from the tips of his hair onto his shoulders, his chest still glistening from the shower he’s just taken. Magnus would never ask Alec to rush into anything he isn’t ready for, but certain images did make their way into his dreams, and he can’t stop thinking about them.

**

One evening, as Magnus is making his way to his bed -  _ their _ bed, he feels that something isn’t quite right. Alec is staring at him intently, with something in his eyes that Magnus does not recognize.

“Is there something wrong?,” he asks, a smile playing on his lips.

Alec seems taken aback, snapping out of whatever he’s been thinking about.

“No! No, I was just… thinking.”

Magnus smiles and sits down on his side of the bed, taking off the silk dressing gown he is wearing and letting it fall to the floor. He is about to bring his legs onto the mattress when he feels Alec’s hand on his shoulder. Then, almost instantly, the boy’s lips are on the nape of his neck, and his hands are going down Magnus’ sides, making him shiver from head to toe.

“Alec?,” he asks, not because he is doubting the identity of the boy in his bed, but because this is something that has never occurred before.

The only response he gets is Alec shushing him, his breath hot on his skin. He gets ahold of Magnus and brings him into bed, fast and strong, his huge body covering Magnus’ in a way that makes the warlock feel smaller than he’s ever felt before. Alec’s legs are on each side of Magnus’ thighs, and one of his hands is cupping his face. His eyes seem to burn in the dimly lit bedroom, and it isn’t long before he brings his lips to Magnus’ in a long, passionate kiss.

They have never kissed this way before. Even at the wedding, it hadn’t been like that. This - this is something deep, languorous, something that Magnus knows Alec has never done before. Not that he is clumsy with it; in fact, he is far from it, his tongue grazing Magnus’, while his hands roam down his lover’s body, pressing his fingers into his skin here and there. Magnus can feel Alec’s hardness against him, and it is all he can do but resist the temptation to slip one of his hands in between them.

A moan escapes his throat as Alec is making his way down to his boxers, trailing kisses down his chest, nipping at his skin and leaving tiny red marks. Magnus snaps back into the reality of things when Alec’s teeth are at the hem of his underwear, and drags him back up toward him in a quick movement.

“Alec, I-”

Alec cuts him short. “Please, Magnus, let me,” he says, his voice hoarse and begging, as he slips a finger under the hem of Magnus’ boxers.

Magnus brusquely bats his hand away, and regrets it instantly, as Alec looks hurt and confused. He takes ahold of one of the boy’s hands, and stares into his eyes.

“What is going on, Alexander?,” he asks, his voice as soft as he can make it after what just happened.

“I thought…,” Alec begins, and Magnus notices his Adam’s apple bobbing up as he swallows hard. “I thought you wanted this.”

Something in Magnus’ chest tightens when he sees Alec looking down, an expression of sadness on his face.

“I… I do want this. Very much. But-” He pauses. He isn’t sure Alec is going to appreciate what he has to say. “But I want to make sure that you also want it.  _ Really _ want it.”

Alec looks up, his brows furrowed, looking perturbed.

Magnus cannot help but smile wide at the look on his face. “Did you think I was going to simply take you because you offered yourself to me? That I wouldn’t make sure you’re ready for this as well?”

Alec looks up again, still looking like a puppy that just got kicked. Magnus puts his free hand on the boy’s face, leans in, and kisses him, softly. Nothing like the kiss they just shared. When he pulls away, the light in Alec’s eyes is back, and the corner of his mouth has turned slightly up.

“I… care about you, Alexander. More than I’ve cared about anyone in a very long time. I don’t want you to do things that you  _ think _ you have to do. You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t expect anything from you either.”

He kisses him again, a little deeper this time. They let themselves fall back down on the mattress, Alec resting his head on Magnus’ chest.

“Thank you,” Alec whispers suddenly, and Magnus can only guess what he feels thankful for.

**

For another month, Magnus has the pleasure to see Alec evolving in a certain aspect of his behavior. Before the night when he had been extremely forward, Alec had never been the kind to reach out and touch Magnus unprompted, except for his good morning and goodnight kisses. But the days go by, and he sometimes comes up behind Magnus who’s sitting on the couch, reading, and kisses the crook of his neck, before occupying himself with something else. Cuddling, he runs his hand through Magnus’ hair and kisses his temple. Sometimes, in the evenings, when they’re lying next to each other on the bed, he’ll start kissing Magnus’ shoulder and jaw, working his way to his mouth; they make out this way for a few minutes, before settling down and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

One evening, however, when Magnus is busy kissing Alec’s neck, he gets stopped by the boy’s hand lifting his face up toward his.

“I… I think I’m ready, Magnus,” he says, and although his voice sounds hesitant, Magnus can tell that he’s been thinking about this a lot, that this isn’t something he’s saying to please him.

“I mean, not  _ now _ ready, but… ready. You know what I mean?”

Magnus smiles. “I know what you mean.”

He kisses him one last time for the night, turns the light off with a snap of his fingers, and falls asleep, feeling a strange mix of serenity and anxiousness.

**

Magnus wants it to be perfect, but he doesn’t want it to be cheesy. He’s not going to put rose petals all over the bed, scented candles everywhere in the room, or romantic music in the background. He ends up not changing anything about the room’s ambiance, because he figures that Alec wouldn’t like it either.

It’s 10 p.m. when Alec comes back home, and Magnus feels his heart beat go faster when he sees him walking in the living room. He’s done this before. He’s not the inexperienced one here. But Alec has a way of making him feel bare to the bone, of stripping him of all his confidence in critical moments…

They eat dinner in silence, and Magnus wonders if this is a good idea. He knows the tension in the air isn’t caused by awkwardness; it’s anticipation, on both his and Alec’s side, although they might not feel it the same way. But the more he looks at Alec, the more scared he feels. He doesn’t want to ruin this. He doesn’t want the only person he has ever cared for in a long while to run away. But then again, why would anything bad happen? When he looks at Alec, Magnus only feels warmth, and tenderness, and, above all, the most terrifying thing, he feels love. Maybe he’s the one who’s not ready now. He doesn’t have much time to ponder on that anymore because Alec is standing up from his chair and walking toward him. Magnus stands up, as if Alec was a king and he had to mimic his every move out of respect. Soon, the boy is by his side, holding out his hand for him to take. He’s not smiling, but the fire from that night is back into his eyes, brighter still.

They’re sitting on the bed, kissing. Alec has one hand on Magnus’ thigh, slowly stroking it, while Magnus is cupping the side of Alec’s face, his thumb gently rubbing his skin. When they stop kissing, Alec’s lips are pinker than ever, and Magnus feels the need to make them bright red.

“If things are going too fast,” he says, toying with the collar of Alec’s shirt, “you can tell me to stop. I will.”

“I know, Magnus,” Alec replies, before standing up.

Magnus feels like he has no choice but to watch as Alec starts undressing. He had not expected him to do that. He seems to be giving Magnus time to look at him properly, and it does feel like it’s the first time he sees him. The runes on his neck, chest and arms are more beautiful than he had ever noticed before, and he promises himself that he will spend some time touching every inch of tattooed skin. Alec goes for the button on his jeans, but before undoing it, he looks up at Magnus, a smirk on his lips. That sight sends a chill down the warlock’s back, and he puts his open palms onto the sheets, gripping at them with his fingers.

Before he knows it, Alec’s only remaining article of clothing is his underwear, and Magnus shouldn’t be left breathless, but he is. He’s seen Alec almost naked before, but it hadn’t had that effect on him then. Right now, it’s all he can do not to rip off his own clothes and claim Alec as his own in the most visceral way.

Without looking away from Alec’s gaze, Magnus takes off his jacket, and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

“Let me,” Alec says, suddenly standing right in front of him, so tall that Magnus has to crane his neck to keep eye contact.

With one hand on his chest, Alec directs Magnus to the center of the bed, and straddles him. One by one, he takes off the buttons of the warlock’s shirt. Magnus knows his chest is rising and falling faster than it was just a minute ago, but he’s too mesmerized by the way Alec is looking at him to care about it. He also lets him take off his pants, tugging at them and tossing them to the floor before finally,  _ finally _ , leaning down and kissing him, the heat of their chests almost sufficient to warm them completely.

The more they kiss, the more impatient Magnus gets, but he knows he needs to pace himself for this. He’s got his fingers on the back of Alec’s head, gripping at his hair and tugging slightly, and his other hand is digging red marks into the boy’s back. Alec is moaning inside his mouth, and Magnus is pretty sure the sound might make him lose his mind once and for all. He rubs at the spot behind Alec’s head that he’s been tugging on, and takes advantage of the both of them not kissing any longer to wrap his arm around Alec and bringing him down against the mattress.

Magnus is hooking his thumbs under the elastic of Alec’s boxers when he feels the boy freeze under his touch.

“What is it?,” he asks. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No! No, don’t, please,” Alec says, and the way his voice sounds now, when they’ve barely just started, makes Magnus’ body ache for what he might sound like later. “It’s just… I wanted to…”

He suddenly looks sheepish, a stark contrast to the fierce look he’s had on his face since they stepped into the room.

“I can wait. Tonight isn’t about me,” Magnus says, guessing what Alec wanted to say.

Alec smiles, almost shy. Magnus winks at him, and puts his hands back on the boy’s boxers. He lowers his head, and nuzzles at the bulge there. Alec gasps, and Magnus can feel himself twitching in his own underwear. He licks down one of the visible veins running down Alec’s v-line to the edge of his boxers, that probably continues underneath the fabric. He kisses and bites there a little more, until he hears Alec saying his name under his breath, which is enough of an incentive to finally take off the last piece of cloth on his body.

“Oh,” is the only thing Magnus manages to say at the sight of Alec’s length.

Alec starts laughing, and covers his eyes with one arm.

“You could have warned me, you know,” Magnus says, smiling wide.

Alec is still chuckling when he replies. “So it’d sound like I was bragging? I don’t think so.”

“Well… It’s not like you should be modest about it either,” Magnus says, which makes Alec stop laughing almost instantly.

Magnus can feel the hunger rising inside of him, the need to possess Alec while letting him know that he’s his as well. He kneels, and slides his underwear off. A flash of panic flies across his lover’s gaze.

“Don’t worry,” Magnus says softly. “I just want to feel you against me.”

That seems to make Alec shiver, which greatly satisfies Magnus. He lowers himself onto him, wanting to kiss him again, wanting to feel every inch of him against his skin. Getting his hardness against Alec’s feels both amazing and torturous. He kisses him full on the mouth, his fingers back into the boy’s hair, pushing them back.

“Magnus,” Alec says, his voice reduced to a whisper, “touch me. Please.”

Magnus smirks. “I wasn’t planning on doing anything else.”

He licks a line straight down Alec’s chest, nuzzling at the sparse hair, biting near his belly button. He’s in between the boy’s legs faster than he anticipated. He looks up to find Alec staring at him, his mouth gaping, his chest falling and rising rapidly. Not tearing his gaze away, Magnus wraps a hand around Alec’s length, and starts stroking. Alec’s eyes roll upwards and he lets his head fall back onto the bed, a groan escaping his lips as he does. He whines when Magnus licks up the whole of him, from base to head.

“Magnus,” Alec chokes out again, gripping at the silk sheets.

That’s when he decides to take him into his mouth, working his tongue around the tip, his hand massaging the shaft. Alec is groaning now, and Magnus is pretty sure it has to be one of his favorite sounds to date.

“You shouldn’t- I might- Oh God,” the boy says, each syllable a struggle to speak out.

Magnus adopts a rhythm with his mouth and hand, moving them in tandem as he takes more of Alec into his mouth. Alec is covering his face with his hands, and Magnus can feel that he’s struggling to breathe properly.

“Magnus, I need- I need- Fuck.”

He gives a last lick at Alec’s slit, tasting the pre-come that’s already there, before going back up to the boy’s lips and having him taste himself in his mouth. With one arm, Magnus brings them into a sitting position, and puts his hands on either side of Alec’s face, kissing him more tenderly this time. When they break apart, Alec looks spent.

“I want to make sure that you really want this,” Magnus whispers, their lips barely touching. “I want you to tell me that you’re ready, and mean it. I’ll know if you lie.”

He doesn’t mean to sound harsh, but he’s too scared that Alec might regret this. He needs to be sure that this time, the boy isn’t just giving himself up to him.

There’s something incredibly sublime in the way Alec lets himself fall back down onto the mattress, his arms spread about him, his lips glossy and red, drops of sweat already starting to bud on his neck. Magnus resists the urge to touch himself at the sight.

“I swear to God, Magnus,” Alec breathes out, “if you don’t take me now, I might  _ actually _ change my mind.”

His smile is bright and devilish, and Magnus wonders for an instant how Alec gets to look so ravishing all the time.

He goes and reaches into the drawer of his bedside table for lube and a condom. On the bed, Alec sighs in anticipation.

After ripping it open with his teeth, Magnus slips the condom on, well aware that Alec is staring at his every move. No matter how ready he says he is, Magnus won’t assume that the boy isn’t at least a little bit scared. He wants to say that he shouldn’t be, but it’s Alec’s first time, so it’s understandable. He gets a good amount of lube on his fingers, and looks back at the boy lying in front of him. Magnus lowers himself toward Alec to kiss him again, as his hand makes its way to the entrance of the boy’s body. He kisses Alec’s neck and hears him gasp in his ear as he touches him, his fingers going in a circular motion around his hole.

Magnus is kissing Alec’s shoulder when he slips one finger inside his body, and feels him tight around it. Alec freezes, probably getting used to the sensation of something entering him, and he lets out a deep breath.

“It’s going to be ok,” Magnus says, “you’re doing good.”

Alec nods, his gaze on Magnus’. The warlock takes the boy’s mouth with his as he slips another finger inside of him, working him open gently. Alec winces, but when he sees the look of concern on Magnus’ face, he gives him a short kiss, which Magnus understands as an invitation to keep going. Magnus twists his fingers up into Alec, reaching for his prostate. The sound that leaves Alec’s mouth when Magnus touches him there is a blend between a “ah!” and a “oh!”, and Magnus can’t help but chuckle against his lover’s skin.

“Do you think you can take another?,” he asks as he rubs his digits against Alec’s prostate.

“Y-Yes,” Alec chokes out.

Magnus works him open a little more before inserting another finger inside of him, and he sees Alec’s jaw tightening.

“Do you want this?,” Magnus asks again.

Alec’s eyes are shining, and he swallows, hard.

“Yes. God, Magnus, yes, I want this, just-”

Magnus slowly slips his fingers out of Alec, which makes the latter gasp. The warlock takes ahold of one of his lover’s leg, and wraps it around his waist. Alec wraps his other leg around Magnus of his own accord. Magnus touches himself for the first time then, positioning his cock at Alec’s entrance. The boy takes a deep breath and then nods at Magnus, his brows furrowed, making him look very serious.

Magnus enters Alec slowly, and the feeling of him tight around his length is heavenly. The sound that Alec had made earlier is back, and his eyes are shut tight, his mouth wide open. Magnus takes a few seconds to settle himself inside of Alec, gently moving till he feels they’re both positioned comfortably, and then he starts moving.

“Fuck,” Alec manages to say, dragging the “uh” sound, and Magnus figures Alec has never looked more beautiful than in this moment.

Magnus moves inside of Alec as slowly as he can, though the urge to go faster is definitely here. He’s holding onto Alec’s hips, his fingers digging into his soft skin, and he has all the time in the world to admire the way Alec moves under him. The boy is writhing, arching his back and moaning when Magnus moves a certain way inside of him, and the runes on his body seem to be calling for Magnus’ lips.

The warlock gets down to Alec’s neck and licks at the tattoo going up the boy’s neck, while Alec is hooking his legs together over Magnus’ back. He bends on his lover’s body, trying to kiss as many runes as he possibly can, biting and kissing the pain away in the same breath. Alec keeps making noises, moaning, gasping, whining, and they’re like a beautiful litany in Magnus’ ears.

He realizes that they’re fucking, then, that the slow rhythm has turned into more fast paced movements of his hips. Alec throws an arm over his eyes when Magnus touches his prostate again. The flush on his skin covers his cheeks, his neck, and his pecs; he looks like a goddamn masterpiece.

“You feel so good, Alexander,” Magnus says, his voice catching in his throat.

Alec smirks at this, his eyes still closed, and Magnus feels himself reaching climax. He both hates and loves that Alec can do this, that he just has to smile to make all of Magnus’ composure tumble down around and inside him.

“I- I think I’m gonna-,” Alec suddenly stammers out.

Magnus picks up the pace, and takes Alec’s cock in his hand, jerking him off as he’s moving inside of him. The loudest cry of pleasure escapes the boy’s mouth, and he comes, just as Magnus comes inside of him. He doesn’t remember having such an intense orgasm before. He must have, but this - this is different. His eyes roll back, and he lets out a groan. He’s scared he might hurt Alec with how strongly he’s holding onto his hips.

Magnus falls next to Alec, whose body is glistening with sweat. He still hasn’t lifted his arm from his face, and his chest falls and rises even faster than before, if that is possible. Magnus can’t help but smile as he’s regaining his breath.

“You okay?,” he asks in between inhalations.

Alec turns his head in his direction, his arm now back to his side, and the brightest smile on his lips.

“Yeah. Yeah, I feel... “

The boy stares at him, then drags himself toward Magnus, puts a hand to his face and kisses him, lightly.

“It was… perfect,” he whispers against his cheek. “Thank you.”

Magnus chuckles, and wraps an arm around Alec.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me, you know. I might feel the need to brag about this later if you do.”

Alec smiles, and something in Magnus’ chest tightens at the sight of the crinkles around his eyes.

“Well then… It was a terrible,  _ terrible _ first time, and I never want to do this again.”

He fakes a sulking expression before cracking a smile again, and kisses Magnus’ jaw. Magnus looks at him, and realizes he has never felt more tender emotions for someone than he feels right now. Alec makes a disgruntled noise when Magnus gets up. He really doesn’t want to leave the bed either, but he has to go get a towel to clean the both of them up.

When he comes back, Alec is still lying completely naked on the silk sheets, and Magnus feels like he’s looking at a Renaissance painting. Some strands of hair have fallen over Alec’s forehead, and his eyes and mouth are closed, making him look utterly serene. Magnus crawls back into bed with him, and Alec stirs, like he was actually sleeping. Magnus runs the damp towel across Alec’s chest. The boy is staring right at him, and he finds himself blushing. Magnus tosses the towel to the floor and stares right back, caressing the side of Alec’s face with one finger.

“I love you, Alexander,” he says.

It feels like his whole body relaxes then, like he’s gotten something heavy off of his back and he can finally be free. A look of surprise flashes across Alec’s features.

“You don’t have to say it back,” Magnus says. “I just… really needed to tell you.”

Alec grabs his arm and guides him next to him. He runs a hand through Magnus’ hair, and seems to study the warlock’s features with great intent.

“I love you too,” he says, and his tone is the most serious Magnus has ever heard him use.

Magnus takes a deep breath.

“Alec-”

“I mean it. I’ve been wanting to say it for weeks now, but I was too scared. I thought that maybe you’d get tired of me and I didn’t want to say these words in case what we have was…”

Magnus kisses him, deep, much like the way they’d kissed at the wedding. He’s got a hand over Alec’s heart, and he can feel the pitter-patter underneath it going from fast to steady.

“You must know, Alexander. You must know now that I’ll never be tired of you.”

He figures that when Alec had tried to sleep with him all those weeks back, it had been for that. For fear of Magnus getting tired of waiting around for a boy who wasn’t ready to give himself to him just yet. It makes him feel incredibly sad. They stare at each other in silence, before Magnus switches the light off with a snap of his fingers.

“I love you, Magnus,” Alec whispers in the dark.

Magnus brings him toward his chest, and wraps an arm around his waist. He kisses the top of Alec’s head before saying “I know”.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written out of frustration from the fact that some people seem to think that Magnus is a sex-hungry animal who would become impatient and frustrated with Alec if they didn't sleep with each other soon enough into their relationship. I very obviously don't agree with that!  
> I hope you enjoyed, you can find me under the username magnusbbanes on Tumblr!


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